Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher of couples and relationships, has identified different characteristics and behaviors that distinguish healthy couples from unhealthy ones. One of the principles that he has found is what he calls “Bids for Connection”, which are actions through which a person tries to express a desire for connection towards the other person. These bids could be obvious and/or verbal actions, or subtle and/or non-verbal actions. Irrespective of the nature of bids, they have the capacity to decide the fate of the relationship, and decades of research have suggested that the couples who respond positively to these bids by their partners are more highly likely to have successful and happier relationships.
Since it is
difficult to identify the non-verbal bids, here are some of the examples
mentioned by Dr. Gottman:
1.
Affectionate
touching – pat, kiss, hug, back or
shoulder rub.
2.
Facial
expressions – smile,
blowing a kiss, sticking out of tongue.
3.
Playful touching – tickling, bopping, dancing.
4.
Affiliating
gestures – opening the door, handing
over a utensil or stationery, sending a reel or meme.
5.
Vocalizing – laughing, grunting, sighing, chuckling.
There are three ways people usually respond to the
bids of connection: Turning away – ignoring the bid; Turning against
– attacking, ridiculing or disregarding the bid or the partner; Turning
towards – acknowledging and giving attention to the bid and the partner. Turning
towards is the kind of response that helps build trust and connection
between people and build a relationship; so, the rule of thumb is to be aware
and notice when someone extends a bid towards you and respond towards it,
rather than away from or against it.
On the other
hand, if you are the partner who is sending a bid for connection, there are
certain things that you can do to make them better:
1. Use words and
make the bids more obvious and clearer, especially if the non-verbal bids are
going unnoticed.
2. Express your
need as a positive, such as saying “I miss you”, instead of saying “You are
never around”.
Overall, a commitment to make bids, recognize them and
respond positively to them can go a long way in building a successful
relationship.
References
Improve your social skills.
(n.d.). Bids for connection. https://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/gottman-bids-for-connection
Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). Dr.
Gottman’s guide to recognizing bids. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-care-friendship-and-dr-gottmans-guide-to-recognizing-bids/
The Gottman Institute.
(n.d.). 3 ways to make a better bid for connection. https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-ways-to-make-a-better-bid-for-connection/
Ury, L. (n.d.). Want to
improve your relationship? Start paying more attention to bids. The Gottman
Institute.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/
